Where I wish I could be, but I'm not.

The second time around turns out to be more surprising.

You'd always assume it'd be the first time.

Assumptions will drive you insane.

Thinking one plus one equals two, every time.

Is there an escape from wondering about your fate?

-Me.

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I really don't know the purpose of this whole blog, or why I'm writing it. I really don't have a whole lot to say. It is as if my creative juices have been drained from me. Usually, when 'traumatic' situations happen I'm flowing with poems. This time is the first time I have been just empty. Mostly it is the fear, the fear of not knowing if this all is true or not. If he's just not answering his phone, or if what he texted me on Thanksgiving was true.

Death

-The world.

I have reasons to believe a friend of mine has committed suicide. I'm no 100% sure though. He's a... how do I say this... not a very close friend in the sense that he's made himself very distant. He was more of a prayer request. Someone I met who has royally screwed up his life. I have never met someone like him. His outlook on life purely based on instant gratification. Pleasure being the killer. He destroyed every close connection, besides with me. As unbearable his attitude, and choice would be. I remained his friend. Why? those are the exact people who really need them. So it would be logical for him to contact me in his last hours... I don't know if it's selfish or not to think, WHY?! Why did you have to let me know? Put that weight upon my heart. Was it necessary? Now, now I'm worried... if I don't receive any contact from him by Tuesday I'm going up to his house to ask his parents. How horrible is it that I have to walk up the walkway, knock on the door, and look straight in the eye of a parent and ask, "Is your son... alive?"

I'm going about my merry way sometimes feeling guilty I'm enjoying life. Which I know is dumb, he chose to end his life.

But the imagery of him laying in the grass eyes peeled constantly staring at the Sun, moon, and stars yet not able to soak it in while every inch of his life drains out from his wrists.

I feel sick.