In search of El Dorado...

I have followed in the American trend of thinking about what I want to be when I 'grow' up (When is that exactly?) where I want to live... family, children, friends, and oh yeah a husband. Just let me tell you something I've grown to despise Suburbia. I've been trying desperately to have a good attitude about my circumstances. Listing off how much I'm blessed, I'm not being hunted down, raped, molested, and all the other horrific acts available in this lovely world. I've been striving to have patience, considering it's a virtue and all that jazz.

I literally found a gray hair yesterday, and I'm convinced it's from all this 'striving'! haha.

I truly want to create my own community. Take a chunk of luscious land and start my own little world. So that besides getting things done for my basic needs I'd paint, write, photograph, and read all day. I know I've mentioned this before but it has been weighing heavily on my mind, and it's a bit outrageous how much I truly crave this utopia.

But there is only so much complaining/bullshitting/whining a human can do before it becomes mundane and there isn't the slightest bit of satisfaction. So what on EARTH am I going to do? I could start a revolution and make everyone go back to the primitive times... but I have homework I need to do.

/sigh/

Positive attitude, positive attitude, POSITIVE ATTITUDE!

This is oh so hard. I have a naturally realistic point of view, and that teeters on the edge of being a pessimist. Which any true realist can relate too. I'm cutting off years with all this worry.

It's my own fault really...

I'm not satisfied with parties, drinking, and talking to boys who don't really know what they're even talking about...

superb.

See, I'm my own worst enemy.

Rome was defeated from within.

Well, it is evident I care too much. I allow society, money, and education cage me in.

Wisdom is more freeing... but I'm not permitted to have experience to create my wisdom.

I am desensitizing myself. It is the most horrible thing, but my mind does that so I can cope with all the 'issues' I'm dealing with. Issues is in quotes, because I really don't have issues. I just do not have perfection.

Oh well.

That'd be more boring than how my existence is right now.

That'll all change soon, time just needs to ripen my plans.

I've already decided I want a lot of land with a beautiful large home, a place where my children can run wild and just embrace nature. Researching all these great women I respect i.e. Ayn Rand, and Sally Mann. Seeing how they were extraordinary, and still married and even had children makes me hopeful for my future.

I really need to find the cord to plug in my typewriter. That way I can start typing up my poetry and getting a nice little folder together.

I've thought of a million different poems, but always when I can't record them, drat.

Oh well, there is ALWAYS more where that came from.

Goodnight.